C-Block: A Place for Logging
A comment was placed in my comment box regarding a certain bathroom frequented by me, Sassy, and the infamous Varg. It used be our escape form the tedium of working in the faculty computer lab. It was dark, secluded, quiet, and relatively forgotten. It truly was a blessed sanctuary for those in need of laying stenchy logs. Without further “a-doo” i present a short tale from the likes of our friend Varg…
on March 22nd, 2007 at 4:42 am
I entered the dank, cold, moisty faculty men’s room with an OC Weekly under my arm and was relived to notice that the light switch was in its off position. The darkness meant that no other person had been in the lavatory for sometime and I would have the place to myself. This was the novelty of the C-building. Located far away from any major thoroughfares and up two flights of stairs from the ground level, it was almost always desolate and quiet. It’s conditions behooved defecation.
I discovered the C-Building faculty men’s room during a routine wide patrol after I first secured employment at the college. It is essential to find a place where one can accomplish their personal business within the first few weeks of new employment. The C-building was a godsend. It had a dungeon-like quality about it and normally such an aura would sway me from frequenting a bathroom but when one wishes to procure a “safe haven” for extended visits, the darker the better.
One afternoon, my co-worker Sassy was complaining about the grippers he was experiencing and we began to discuss the benefits of having access to faculty bathrooms as opposed to the humility and utter non-privacy of the student bathrooms. Sass confided in me that he had found the perfect “safe haven” and I laughed as he began to trumpet the wonderful solitude of the C-building. Our work schedules were lateral so there was never a chance of he or I would ever encounter each other there.
Throughout the course of our time working together, neither Sassy nor I ever had a documented case of any other person occupying time in the C-building but us. It literally seemed like it was ours and no one else’s. However, I never let my guard down and I never let myself get too comfortable in the C-building; it was, after all, a public bathroom.
The downward direction of the lightswitch was a good indication that an unmolested, undisturbed session lay ahead of me. I strolled happily over to the stall, put a wrap on the seat, opened the OC weekly and was just about to drop my first kid off at the pool when the unthinkable happened. I heard keys rattling at the door and suddenly the room was filled with sunlight. Panic swept over my body. Never before had I been disturbed in my C-Building safe haven. I quickly tightened my cheeks and placed my right foot firmly against the door. I had heard of turd burglars sometimes barging in on unsuspecting stall dwellers and did not wish to endure the embaressment.
However, whatever it was out there, it had other plans. It shuffled its feet over my way and entered the stall directly next to the one I was in. My kids were screaming to be let go. But I did not wish to let this creature hear me in a weakened state. I say “creature” because, though I could not see the thing, I had a general feeling that it was large. Also, once it entered the stall, I became aware that it had difficulty breathing. It’s inhales and exhales had a struggling type of ebb and flow to them.
At this point I decided that I had to wait it out. I had to let this thing finish its business and clear the stall before I would continue where I left off. I like to have complete privacy when I shit and if it meant that I had to endure the torture of hearing every grunt, splash and splatter this thing generated than that was what I was going to have to do. I was going to wait it out. I was safe enough in my locked stall.
The thing must have had the same idea. For five minutes the only sounds that emerged from either of us was the heavy breathing generated by the creature. Luckily, I had an OC Weekly with me and passed the time reading various movie and book reviews. Ten more minutes went by and all the creature did was sit there and breathe heavy. I was starting to become alarmed. What did it want? Why had it invaded the sanctity of the C-Building? If it had the bravado to seat itself in the stall directly next to mine, why couldn’t it just shit and get it over with? Though I was terrified, I was determined to be the victorious party of the stand off.
After what seemed like decades, the creature yanked up his pants and exited the stall. I never heard him make any sound that resembled a shit. I never heard him do anything over there except breathe heavy. I agonized over the thoughts of what he could have been doing over there. Once I was sure he was gone, I quickly dropped my kids off at the pool and departed the bathroom, being sure to leave my OC Weekly for the next guy.
Once outside the area of the bathroom, I scoured Curren Plaza for anything that looked like it could be the creature. Whatever it was, it had vanished.
Now the time has come that Sassy’s little brother Felix is my Co-worker. Though I am constantly singing the praises of the C-building and its desolate enviorment, I am always sure to remind my young companion of the creature and it’s ebbing and flowing.