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Your basic long island summer consists of sitting in sweltering hot backyards swatting bugs and being coated in caterpillar shit or your other option is the air conditioned basement. Most people opt for the basement route rather than face the tedious endevour of loading up the car, sitting in traffic for two hours, and trying to park at the ocean. Those who do are treated to seaside fun replete with fat mothers in one piece swimsuits and ice cream vendors on the sand screaming “STEVE’S ICE CREEEEAAAMMMMMM!!!!” every 5 seconds. At least you can sit and stare at hot high school girls(just watch out…their dads are usually pretty close!) Be sure to head over to the secret nude beach overflowing with flapping, saggy skin rolls and golden tanned senior citizens in the buff. AY CARUMBA!!!

Of course what summer in Long Island would be complete without a trip out to the Hampton’s? The big party spot is the Boardy Barn: a tiny, beer soaked, shit-shack that is only open once or twice a week for a few hours Sunday. The resultant line of people waiting to get in goes out the door and into the adjacent woods. In there you will enjoy a flood of Gotti-boy wannabees with ridiculously spiked hair, fake tans, and open shirts pumping their fists to Billy Joel songs. Be prepared to have your $500 dollar Nautica/Polo/DKNY/Anything from Macy’s outfit destroyed as the custom there is to soak all in beer! Remember, it is pronounced BAWDY BAWHN!!!

If you cant make it out east or to the Atlantic you can always hang out at one of the many sloppy and mundane North shore snore fests. Guaranteed no attractive woman and at least 70 sharp shells or rocks to each square foot of sand. The water is as calm as a neutered duck, however it hides hideous sea monsters such as the horseshoe crab. These brown creatures have a long pointy tail and a thick carpace shielding 8 scraggly legs. God knows what the hell the purpose of this thing is but it certainly scare sthe hell out of everyone! When you get bored of digging up hermit crabs and urinating in the already uriny water, head to the parking lot and watch jackasses peel out in their cars or better yet, stand around with your motorcycle helmet ‘looking tuff’ if you really wanna fit in!