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So Uncle Tibs has been immersed into the fantastic world of healthcare for the past 8 weeks at the local trauma hospital.  As a physical therapist your job is to grab people from their comfortable bed and take them on death marches so you can discharge them quicker. I have been exposed to more disgusting sights, putrid smells, and puke churning sounds in the past months then all the years I spent as a urine cake tester back in Idaho! Let me throw together a quick list of my fave moments for all you creeps out there to drop your gaws at and perhaps even blast a dookie over.

Number 1: People have smelly, smelly asses.

In case you didnt know, your ass reeks. Now complicate that matter even further by considering some of these patients lack the capacity to wipe there own asses. Add in the fact that the staff is too fucking lazy to shower these people and you end up with the most foul, vomit inducing stenches you have ever experienced. One memorable occasion involved Dr. Tibs having to lift a non-weight bearing patient from a bed to a chair. The patients neck collar was crusted over in week old hospital quality beef stroganoff, his hospital gown soaked through with urine. I took a deep breath and with all my strength hurled this orthopedic nightmare from bed to chair. Unfortunately during the transfer I opened my nares and took a deep whiff of what would instantly begin to gag me. Suprressing my body’s natural instinct to let loose chunks all over this patients unwashed hair, I fought hard and planted him in the chair before streaking out of the room and hiding in the stairwell until I regained composure. Worst Smell Ever.

Number 2: Old People Like to Show Their Genitals

Any aspect oof modesty goes out the window the second you enter the hospital. you are forced to wear backless hospital gowns, be supervised while pooping, and eat your meals off of silly little green trays. You would think most people would hold on to any control over their lives by at the very least asking for an extra gown or putting on underpants. Yet 9 times out of 10 I walk into a shitstorm of wrinkles and labia. Thats right, 78 year old woman with their legs resting comfortably apart blissfully unawatre that i just walked into a mucuosy nightmare! Worse was when I subtly pulled her gown down she would just hike it up and expose her massive, blubbery, bone white thighs for my viewing horror! Who can forget the 45 year old man who sat in his recliner with his gown wide open and his balls literally hanging out for full view of everyone who enters the room!!! Most memorable was the 80 year old man who looked and sounded like Uncle Vito from Viva Bam literally pulling his gown up to expose his grapefruit sized balls with a relatively teensy weener…Aye Carumba!!!

Number 3: Everything Sounds Gross

Whether it is a woman coughing globs of orange mucous in your face or the incessant beeping of the IV machines, the hospital will drive you insane with various sounds. You cannot walk past a room without hearing someone sounding like they are having their legs amputated from the moans they are making. Worst of all are the patients who have suction similar to the kind your dentist uses, except here they collect the sputum in a jar above the patients head. All you can hear are fragments of garbled words inbetween disgusting glorping sounds as the suction head gulps down huge blasts of mucous. Cough, suck, gurgle, repeat! Get me the hell out of here!!!

So there you have it, a insiders glimpse into the horrors of a hospital. It ain’t all bad though, you get free crackers , you can stare at the occasional hot nurse, and everyone thinks you are important because of your labcoat. Everything considered, I am glad to get the hell out of there. At least I get to watch an amputation up close next to the surgeon tomorrow! Maybe he will let me hold the saw…