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This summer was one filled with both hard work and  sumptuous leisure time.  Hard work was fufilled at a head injury unit for 8 weeks helping patients walk and function again.  When I wasnt being a physical therapist, I was pretending to be affluent by spending time in my Father’s Southampton house that was once my Grandmothers.  Most of my days there are filled with beach trips, homecooking, jigsaw puzzles, and cocktail hour.  Then there was one faitfull day I became *gulp* inspired to set out on a 2  hour walk that will never be forgotten!

One fine afternoon I was sitting around the home and I came across a pamphlet haphazardly tossed into a pile of old newspapers.  Upon examining it closer, I found it was describing a self guided tour through East Hamptons original “ghost town”.  The title instantly conjured up images of ghouls and the like and I was excited to embark on such a titillating quest!   The tiny map at the bottom had a key and descriptions to describe each aspect of the tour as you went along.  It was to take us from the grounds of the original schoolhouse, through the woods and around Scoy pond, deep past the rare locust trees, and finally past the settlement grounds.  Not only was it moderately educational, but it would absolve me from being called an “old fart who does puzzles instead of hiking” anymore!

I recruited two of my finest mates for the journey:  Coco B and Danny C.  I ensured them both that this would be a simple hike and I had predicted that it would be no more than 2 hours to complete the 3 mile walk.  Danny C showed up wearing shorts and a pair of well seasoned hiking boots.  Coco B on the other hand chose a pair of ‘booty shorts’ and mesh puma sneakers.  I was wearing a plaid short suit with short socks and sneakers.  In retrospect, this could have been the source of all our problems entirely! After a quick trip into Sag Harbor for UTZ potato chips and lunch, we headed out into the wilds on our quest to discover forgotten realms of the Hamptons.

Our drive towards the location was leisurely and provocative as we were taken into a thick forest with smatterings of houses in between long expanses.  We saw a mass of motion up the road, and we were delighted to see it was a flock of large wild turkeys gallivanting about the wide expanses!  After getting lost a few times we eventually found or mark near Cedar Point nature preserve.  We found the trail marker and set forth on what should have been a simple walk through the park.At first I was a bit surprised at the overgrown and untouched nature of the trailhead.  Undeterred from my set path, I pushed my flock onward and into the depths OF HELL!!!!!!!!

First we came across a big frog sitting in a pond.  His croak was reminiscent of a screaming woman; a foreshadowing of events to come!  Soon we came to a junction and I chose the right path which took us to a majestic pond covered by brush.  Several small snakes scuttered out of our way and the haunting call of a bird/frog filled the air!  We headed back across the trail to our junction again, except this time we looked dead ahead.  It was as if we were looking down the barrel of a loaded gun. Ahead of us stood tall grass covering the trail completely for at least 500′.  Do we turn around, or push further….

Coco B pleaded to turn back, but I wouldnt hear any of it!  My words were “man up” as I began taking leaping steps into the grass!  My partners followed forth and soon we had passed the patch of grassand were all vigourously inspecting our legs for ticks every minute.  Miraculously there were no large ticks found anywhere!!!!  We pressed on, all the while I internally ignored the cries for retreat from Coco B and her booty shorts.  Then just ahead deer after deer gallopped across the woods mere meters ahead of us!!!  We stood in awe as a jogger swooped out from behind a tree and reassurred us we were still on the trail.  Yes, it was this brief moment of serenity that would leave this scene etched into our minds forever…  that is until Coco B “felt something on her leg”.

Being the gentlemen I am, I agreed to closely inspect Coco B from her buttocks on downward.  Thats when I saw the smallest brown speck, literally the size of a needle head, on her chocolatey legs.  I ripped it off and confirmed my suspicions,  a tick!!!  Never quick to panic, I assurred her it was a fly and inspected further down her legs only to find another…and another…and another.  At this point fear set in as I began clawing these little adhesive specks perfectly camoflauged on her legs!  That is when I glanced down at my socks and was given a brutal awakening; my once white socks were now  brown with ticks!!!  I peeled back my socks to see the damage, and here is where my heart sunk:  They had penetrated the cottion and were currently roosting by the hundred on the dorsum of my feet.  It was at this moment Coco B asked if she had something on her face.  She did.  It was another f-ing tick!

I made the executive decision at this point to run hard and fast back thru the weeds to get to our cars as there really wasnt much available flesh for the ticks to cling onto anyways!  Coco B took off with such speed that me and Danny C were huffing and puffing 1/4 mile behind her.  Running and screaming the whiole way, we finallya rrived at the car and jumped in, but not before tossing all the shoes in the trunk.  We ripped off all the ticks we could find, as well as several birthmarks, superflous nipples, and freckles accidentally in the area.  I raced home as face as possible, the antithesis of the ride out to the area!Upon arrival we all raced to seperate, boiling hot shower in which the outer layer of my skin was seperated from my body.  I still only felt 50% cleaner.

I spent the rest of the day moping about and scratching myself incessentanly.  When I went to remove the shoes, I used a plastic bag and instantly it turned brown with ticks.  I ended up blasting the trunk AND car with roach and spider killer in hopes of killing the hold outs.  The whole ride home from Southampton  was filled with fidgeting, horrific fantasies of creepy crawlies, and of course the dreaded butt crack tingle that could only mean they had made a nest deep within.  Danny C. was adversely affected by the events, and rumor has it that he is now driving to the grocery store only to change into rollerblades for the actual shopping, then change back into shoes for the drive home.  Strange indeed!  As for Coco B., she no longer wears booty shorts and lives on a farm out in Idaho with Hormel Sprayz, manufacturer of off! brand bug repellent!

As for me fellow Eyunta-ites, I have adjusted well to my new live as a host for parasitic, disease carrying insects.  My new family has grown into the thousands and soon the queen will lay her eggs in my belly.  I am going to be a mommy after al!  Well freakshows, I hope you enjoyed this gruesome, honest tale of piss poor planning being executed oh so well!  Check out the pictures and more pix over at Flickr.