Eyunta.com

This year the entire Eyunta board of directors headed out into the mystical seas of Manhattan and cruised into the New Year. We were all dressed to the the nines, with Sassy sporting his new “20’s gangsta look” and I was trying the latest in “Hasidic Jew” fashions. Taking the Circle Line cruise out of pier 17 next to South Street Seaport, we were prepared for another cluster of drunken retards beating each other to death to get a drink at the overly crowded bar. Well we were pleasantly surprised by this endeavor, and here is the official Eyunta.com review of the evenings festivities.

Ambience 8/10

Getting on line exactly one half of an hour before the ship opened was a very smart thing. Camping at the exact docking area of the ship, we were ensured a perfectly cromulent spot upstairs and far away from the speakers. That meant no fighting for seats, no pushing elbows with smelly drunks, just perfect comfort and chill-maxin to the extreme. The views were fantastic, taking us around Manhattan Island and pausing at major landmarks like the Statue of Liberty and the Brooklyn bridge. we also watched a midnight fireworks show as the ship stopped and that was very enjoyable. The ship was clean as were the bathrooms, and because they did not oversell the ship, you could actually walk from one destination to another! As for hot chicks, the average demographic was around 45 so it was not the place to pick up woman. The single woman who did attend however were EXTREMELY HORNY though, and you could feel their eyes burning a hole in your nads as you walked.

Food 8/10

Plenty of food was made available and even servers came to your table and dropped off the tasty droppings for your pleasure. The glut of food was nice to see, because last year the “gourmet food” was provided by a bag of tostitos and some drippy salsa. Here on the ship we had Cisco’s finest array of prepared foods ands dips. Thankfully, the crew ate at Les Halles Brassiere before we came so we did not have to ingest these preordained meats. Deserts were pretty zesty, however they set up a strobe light directly behind the table of food which caused seizure like symptoms while attempting to choose the food! I thought I was grabbing an eclair but it turned out to be a chicks boob instead! It was the lights fault!!!!!

Music 5/10

Well here is the only problem I really encountered. DJ Spasmodic definitely was affected by the strobing lights behind the desert table because he kept abruptly changing the records every 30 seconds or so. Every time you got into a track you would be rapidly thrown into a megamix of Celine Dion and ABBA. I believe he only played 3 songs in their entirety: Living on A Prayer, Don’t Stop Believing, and Motownphilly by B2M. As for the midnight countdown, he was off by a full minute. He was counting down while on the TV’s they were singing ” Auld Lang Syne”. Dancing was sporadic as one began to groove and then was instantly thrust into grinding then blasted into slow dancing. The result was horrific, as 32 of the passengers ended up grinding when they should have grooved and ruptured several internal organs.

Drinks 9/10

Hey Now, this is what we are talking about Patron, Grey Goose, Tanqueray…you name they had it and it was all included in the ticket cost!. No lines to get a drink, you could just walk up and grab N glorp. Last year at the park, one actually needed to cattle prod 45 people out of the way to make it to the bar where 4 bartenders were attempting to serve a ravenous crowd of well over 1000!!!! Good luck trying to get your drinks out, half of it was on your crotch and the other half evaporated from the body heat of the crowd when you tried to sneak back out. Anyway, the cruise provided some nice Champagne, and easy to get drinks that made the cruise a pleasure. They actually followed through on their all you can drink promise.

Overall Grade B

For the ticket price of 180$, you got a 3 hour cruise, all you can drink and eat, a fireworks show, terrible music, and a fun filled evening on a semi stable surface! Not a single backwards hat or tank yop in sight, this was a more mature and discerning crowd and certainly IMO a better crowd. The board of directors was so happy, we offered to sponsor next years event. They even put our banner up on their street side ticket booth, although there was a slight misspelling….. Anyways, have a superb New year from everyone here at Eyunta.com and its subsidiaries : “Zeytuna”

Pics taken by Sassy. Check the rest of the photos here