Previously Frozen For Your Protection
Microwave burritos have been around for decades now, indulging our need for extremely cheap, fast, shitty food. I can’t emphasize shitty enough, because 9/10 frozen burritos will both look and taste like shit. So when we here at Eyunta decided to do a frozen burrito comparison, I wanted to make sure I had a realistic pool of burritos to draw from. Now for all you burrito snobs out there who spend 2.69 for Amy’s frozen organic corn fed liberal burritos, you may not want to read on. While I did review one Amy’s burrito just to show what actual food looks like, the other 5 applicants were the neglected freezer burned bricks found in the nether realms of the supermarket, 7-Eleven, or liquor store.
The reviews were done by 2 veteran burrito professionals regarded by many to be the most reputable in blind tastings nationwide. Both of our reviewers come from south of the border to take part in what is sure to be a huge internet phenomenon.
Flushoro : Professional Burritoist
Born in raised in the Chimichanga Flats region of El Glongoldo, Flushoro grew up on his family’s ranch tending to the various goats and urine beetles. It was at the age of 17 when Flushoro first discovered that if he took the goat droppings and wrapped them around a few crisp urine beetles that a delightful snack could be produced. He then sold this recipe to a popular Mexican fast food restaurant which now sells it under the name of Chalupa. He is well versed in 7 languages and drives a Volvo.
Senor Colostomy: Taco Overlord
The true origins of Senor Colostomy are poorly understood, but most tacologists agree his heritage places him roughly in the highly disputed Asada regions located 50 miles north of Taquito. Sometime around the turn of the century, Senor Colostomy founded a school that used clandestine methods to wage war. It is believed that his school was responsible for the horrific “swamp ass” incident of ’73 which lead to a steep increase in the amount of adult diapers being worn for years to come. Once Senor Colostomy decided to wage peace and not war, he led the Flauta Movement and single handedly won the election for then Presidente Felix Tibs. Today he resides on his ranch in Chipotle Canyon and writes children’s books.
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Tina’s Spicy Bean & Beef Burrito
Price: $ .79
For the price point of 79 cents I wasn’t really expecting much at all. The rustic packaging lacked any embellishments of purported “meat” or “beans”. This purchase really screamed “you get what you pay for”. Thankfully it was previously frozen for my protection, which instantly cleared my mind of any doubts associated with eating a 79 cent burrito. Also, I could pronounce at least most of the ingredients.
SC: There was no notable toxic aroma present when cooking which is always a positive. . The first look at its gooey innards revealed the always popular brown sludge mixture oozing forth from a paper thin tortilla shell. The first thing I noticed was a complete lack of any discernible food products inside of the burrito. At one point I bit into something that very well could have been a bean, but it could have been part of my mouth melting off due to the atomic nature of microwaved burritos. The taste was comparable to taking a can of Hormel chili and pouring into a sock and then microwaving the hell out of it. I ate 4 bites.
FL: It appears to be filled with beef paste and slime. Upon tasting it, it was as slimy as it looks with a texture most similar to mucous. The spicing was somewhat adequate as well, so I was able to stomach 3 bites before retching.
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Jose Ole Breakfast Burrito
Price. 1.79
These burritos have really found a market among stoned teenagers and out of work single parents. The packaging screams “Look at me, I am filled with trans fat!”. It also boasts a picturesque scene of a burrito overflowing with scrambled eggs, cheese, the always popular sausage nugglet, and salsa. Wait, make that REAL CHEESE and ZESTY SALSA. Thanks for clarifying Jose. On a side note, sausage nugglets are consistently disappointing and generally have the texture of gristle. Let’s hope he JO doesn’t let us down.
SC: Upon opening the microwave door and attempting to remove the searing hot plate, a stench overwhelmed me and my partner. I turned to him and asked “Have you farted?” to which he wrinkled his nose and exclaimed “Man what’s that stink?” turns out it was the sulfuric acid escaping in the toxic vapors produced by this monstrosity. Cutting it open revealed a gritty yellow carcass spotted with sickly pale sausage nugglets and possibly a speck of salsa. As I attempted to take a bite , my hands became coated in a strange fluid that seemed to seep out of the inner belly itself. I closed my eyes and bit in, completely grossed out by the texture of coagulated mucous with chewy ovoid sausage interspliced. What perplexed me more was that even after a good 4 minutes in the microwave, the burrito was inexplicably frozen in the center while being atomically hot on the outskirts. I stomached 2 bites
FL: The smell emanating form the microwave will make you think you have shit even before you ate it! The sulfur is so overpowering that if I hadn’t been paid 3 dollars to do these reviews I would have thrown it out. The taste was a paradoxical combination of pure unadulterated cardboard and an obscene amount of black pepper. I needed a beer to cut out the taste of the horrible peppers.
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Don Miguel’s Beef & Green Chile with Cheese
Price: 2.00
Purchased unfrozen from a 7-eleven along with 2 tallboys for the judges this burrito had a few things going in its favor. One, it was wrapped in paper which made me believe it had a country style appeal to it. Secondly, it was unfrozen which led me to believe it was somehow fresher. Really basic packaging showing the Man himself smiling down upon you from the corner almost as if he is saying “ Please forgive me, my son needed a new burro” rather than “Enjoy your meal!”.
SC: I wonder how many ambien Don Miguel must take every night to sleep knowing that his burritos contain pink mold spots and taste like midget balls. Within moments of taking the externally slimy burrito from the wrapper I spotted a glaring pink spot as well as a sickly aroma. Cutting it open didn’t help much either, as the lava flow of neon cheese and beef paste extruded outward. I must say it did LOOK decently tasty. Upon eating a single bite, my mouth tasted like rancid hot dogs. I spit out after the very first chew and bleached my mouth afterward. It was as if a toxic wasteland was deposited into a transparent, gel covered tortilla. My legs feel weak….
FL: Don Miguel must be upset right now because his name is being dragged through the dirt. My instinct was to spit this overly slimy item out even before chewing. The smell is grossing me out… The tortilla has gone so transparent that it is like eating warm spit. The meat jellies on the inside are the things of diarrhea. How many chemicals are in this thing?
Jose Ole Chicken Chimichanga
Price: 1.79
The Chimichanga is the bastard off shoot of the burrito. I think in the old times they would take day old stale burritos and fry the hell out of them to revive them for another day. Based on the wrapper of this chicken N cheese chimichanga I expected an avalanche of actual chicken meat, proud chunks of radioactive cheese, and blocky bits of salsa. Further more the tortilla is clearly crispy and delicious looking. Knowing that no one knows burritos as well as someone named Jose Ole, I figured this had to be the ultimate taste sensation. Lets see what the judges said…
SC: Upon opening the wrapper I was overwhelmed with the smell of eggrolls. I actually believe I inhaled 2 grams of trans fat from just sniffing it. Microwaving resulted in an explosion of “real cheese” which flooded the plate and created the dreaded but delicious burrito filling overflow. Cutting the burrito open revealed to no ones surprise that the photo once again had absolutely zero resemblance to the actual food product. Instead of striated meat fibers there were square cuts of lunch meat. Not the good lunch meat mind you, but the square cuts you find at your liquor store labeled “Ham” or “Turkey”. I took a bite of the neon goop studded with square meats that oozed out of the horrifically greasy eggroll of a tortilla. The taste was similar to the brown paste found in most burritos, except this one had a more yellow flavor. Upon inspecting the ingredients I was surprised it contained rice! I found no rice in my endeavor as well as any trace of the purported zesty salsa. taste the Fiesta my Ass!
FL: It smells like zeppoles you buy at the fireman’s fair . I am very optimistic based on that outstanding photography on the package which shows real peppers and actual meat. The actual burrito however looked nothing like the pic and I am wondering if Jose knows he is committing fraud by falsely advertising food and replacing it with blended wet paper and yellow food coloring. Then i see in small print next to the photo “serving suggestion” next to the burrito overflowing with heart chimichanga goodness. I suggest serving this to unwanted pests or to your proctologist, not yourself. The cubed meat slabs remind me of lunchables and the tortilla and cheese must have such a huge paper content I am disturbed. 2 bites and i am through.
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Casa Beuna Big Burrito red Hot Beef & Bean w/ Cheese
Price: 3.00
This is another 7-Eleven cold case special served unfrozen and ready to eat cold if you were so desperate. The shear size of this monster is 14 oz which means after ingesting it you will be taking at least a 28 oz shit once your stomach lining sloughs off from its toxic innards. Unaware at the time of purchase, this beast contains more unpronounceable ingredients than all the other burritos combined. In fact the shear number of ingredients dominates the entire back of the massive burrito sleeve. On a positive, it had the actual Spanish translation of the burrito underneath its name so that means it was at least marketed towards burrito friendly folks and not just bloated truck drivers.
SC: Having already been burned by a 7-11 unfrozen burrito I am already skeptical. I was pleasantly surprised to see that it contained no pink mold or slime on the tortilla. It even appeared to be somewhat fresh right out of the wrapper. Upon microwaving and cutting it open I became ill after seeing the murder scene of reddish brown sludge rupture forth in a sea of yellow orange muck. The taste was of intense chili powder and salt with no other discernible flavor at all, the texture of mud and eggwhites. I became instantly nauseated after the first bite and could eat no more. It was at this time I realized this burrito contained a jarring amount of ethoyquin and frimulsionten gum. What the fuck is Frimulsionten Gum? Whatever it is it wasnt enough to make this 14 oz shit sack palatable. I would not want to be hitching a ride from the truck driver who eats this thing on the road!
FL: This thing is too large too be any good. The weight is alarming at a whopping 14oz surely filled with toxic brown shit paste. On the ingredient side i see that the first ingredient is water. Why the fuck do they list water as the first ingredient? Doesnt all cellular material contain water? Upon cutting it appears to be a surplus Taco Bell burrito. Perhaps Casa Beuna is the place all taco Bell burritos go to die in your toilet. And why the hell is there Fumaric acid in this thing? Doesn’t that combine with nitroglycerin to make dynamite? upon tasting, I can say this is as close as I will ever be to having actual shit in my mouth. My tongue is still scorched from the chemically spiced flavor paste. I did however spot several beans as a plus. Overall i would say it was like eating in a Penn Station bathroom while a bum was in the stall having beer farts.
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Amy’s BreakFast Burrito:
Price 2.69
Something about Amy’s burritos sits sourly with me. It could be because I am a microwave burrito purist and I think pretentious ‘pussification’ of burritos is both unwholesome and Un-American. Amy brings all organic products and somehow manages to make it non dairy. What the crap could possibly make a burrito both breakfast and non dairy is a mystery of me. Damn hippies…
SC:Just removing it from the package I could tell this was going to be different. the tortilla contained what look liked wheat and upon opening it I was overwhelmed at a new sight: actual food products. In fact I counted at least 7 individual ingredients which makes it 7 times more than any of the other burritos. No yellow or brown paste flowed out nor was there any stench of horrible sulfur either. The taste was actually nice, if not a little bland, and I at the entire half. It was as if Amy divorced Don Miguel and took all of his burrito ingredients in the divorce, leaving Don Miguel only slime and putrid filth to make his burritos. I will however have to dock a point for it not being frozen for my protection. Texturally it was very pleasing and the most varied of the group. However, please do not call a tofu burrito with beans a breakfast burrito because only dirty hippies and communists would eat tofu for breakfast. Fuck you Amy, where is my sausage nugglets?!
FL: The smell was pleasant and I was impressed that it was actual food on the inside rather than a pasty blend. This one is clearly a ringer in this competition. Whats odd is even though this contains a 1/4 of a days worth of salt it was still fairly bland. The cult of hippies that produce Amy’s products from their compound in Oregon would be proud. I do agree though that by pigeon-holing themselves as a Breakfast burrito they are missing the mark. Its actually more of a dinner burrito.
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So there you have it, a amalgamation of some of the worst concoctions your freezer can bring and one decent one. The amount of toilet paper used following this review session exceeded 28 rolls and required 6 visits from the plumber. Please leave a comment and let us here at Eyunta know what you think. Please add some ******* before your comment so I can filter it out. A big thanks to theimpulsivebuy.com for the link!
Stay tuned because next review will bring you an even more horrible look into the underbelly of one of the most feared foods in any convenience store chain…you will have to wait and see!
on February 11th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Hey I actually like Tinas burritos!
on February 14th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
I only ever buy frozen burritos if I’m at work, didn’t bring lunch, all the restaurants downstairs are closed, and nobody is making a food run. Even then I’ll usually get a lean pocket first.
on February 17th, 2009 at 11:40 am
What do you suppose a bean and beef burrito is suppose to look like? Brown sludge, you can’t make them any different. They are delicious! I have also ate most of these burritos, and you are making the pictures look much worse then they actually are.
on February 17th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Those pictures are undoctored straight out of the microwave freshness! I am sure if you dissected all of your foods and took macro images they would look just as bad! Delicious is subjective, however they also satisfy the basic urge to eat cheap crappy food.
on February 19th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
So that’s what those pink spots are! You left out Ramona’s brand of burrito goodness. I love ‘em! Bean and Cheese are my preference, Beef and Potato in a pinch. The tricky part is finding the mold on/in them before you’ve eaten half of them. Nothing worse than expecting the taste of beans or cheese when the tell tale after-taste of mold sneaks in.
on February 22nd, 2009 at 10:03 pm
LOLZ. I got a whole box full of those chicken and cheese chimichangas. I think they actually taste decent.