Eyunta.com

We live in a small, shacky like shack replete with a hot plate and space heater. We make due with what we have and get by pretty okay. 95% of the time my newly ringed fiancee and I spend our time within the 200 or so square feet inside the apartment when not working. Occasionally, she goes out of town for a few days and it leaves me to fend for myself of which I am no stranger. Somewhere deep inside, born out of quixotic memories of my not so long ago youth, I yearned for an ol’ fashioned dinner & a movie…shack style!

First thing I made sure I got the right movie. It had to really suck without being awful. Something like Bloodsport, Rambo II, or in this case No Escape starring ray Liotta. Its kind of like Goodfellas meets Mad Max, except without any of the personality or storyline. Havent watched this film in over 10 years I figured this was a good as a time as ever. But what meal would match the caliber of this quality film…

2 words: Taco Bell. You know, shitty american style mexican inspired shit. The funny thing about TB is that the thought of TB is ALWAYS better than the actual consumption of TB. The thought of zesty nacho cheese merrily smelting with seasoned ground beef just seems to warm the cockles! The reality is a bit different however; a splooge of yellow wax emulsifing on top of pile of blended dog organs. Knowing this however, is never enough of a deterent to stop most gourmants!

THe most important thing to remember when eating taco bell is the YOU MUST eat it within 10 minutes of purchasing it in order to prevent the dreaded congealment of the ingredients. SO now I have TB in bag and no Escape cued up. It begins with a strangely un-italian Ray Liotta doing his best Rambo impression as he is airdropped into “Mega secure prison” where he must fight to survive in the wilderness. 2 factions exist, the good guys and the bad guys. I mean it couldnt be more Mad Max if you tried. Im pretty sure that Dennis Hopper as the bad guy as well.

The food was just deliciously awful. I mean fucking disgustingly good. I did a quick cup of cheesy potatoes, a 7 layer burrito, and a baja gordita. The cheese cup smelled like caramel somehow and was mushy and flavorful. considering they were called crispy potatoes I felt ever so slightly mislead. Reminds me of the time I was kid at my local TB when I ordered a “combo burrito”. Turned out it was liquid shit in a tortilla. When I showed it to the guy who made he said ” They dont look like the pictures.” It was at that moment I realized my childhood was over.

Anyway, the movie just fucking sucks. I mean it was really bad and somehow boring. You would think guys with crossbows andc skin rashes couldnt be bad however it is. And the food once eaten became an explosive time bomb in my fast foodless bowels. The 7 layer burritos sickly effervescent green caused me to glow after eating. The baja gordita was mighty tasty, but the gordita shell managed to disintegrate in the moments between bell and mouth.

And then it was all over. The movie was done, the bell was done, the evening a complete and utter success. Now that I am moving towards that married life I would like to propose a toast: “Heres to never being able to do that again!”.

Now excuse me I need to go puke.